It’s all just a tomato sauce
by Tora-Katana
Summary: Frustration doesn’t cover it when Dante is constantly bombarded by phone calls when his stomach is screaming for a pizza - that’s when the stupidest ideas get born… Dante-Vergil-Lady
1. Part1

**Disclaimer: **I don't claim anything or anyone in this fic that moves, to my greatest embitterment…

Having a go at a little humour here which means it is quite likely not funny at all. Still hope you enjoy!!

**A two shot – It's all just a tomato sauce**

PART 1

You are a dead man Dante!" he had to recoil from the receiver as soon as he caught it in mid-air with his hand to avoid severe ear damage and that bloody piece of perforated black plastic was even nowhere near his ear yet! The female voice blasting from the other side so vehemently was decidedly lacking all femininity, hurling out profanities of all colours that would make a full demon blush in embarrassment.

"Lady?" Dante brought the phone to his mouth warily, his voice tentative. It sure did sound like her but he wanted to be sure. Nothing worse than mistaking one woman for another and 'Lady' was at least relatively neutral. And he needed his balls intact just like he needed his pizza, breathing came second.

Genius on his part really to call the most dangerous one of them all 'Lady' so there was greatly reduced chance of an assuredly fatal or an impotence inducing mistake with her. Why they were all so sensitive when it came to names, he could never fathom. Lady, Mary, Bitch…who the hell cared.

"You didn't ask for the password again did you!" Lady snorted on the other end, her voice only a notch closer to resembling that of a human. Dante opened his mouth in readiness for a defence but she never gave him the chance. "You know what that is right, or do I have to spell it. The p-a-s-s-w-o-r-d! You pick up the phone and ask – 'Do you have the password!' Dammit, Dante, how hard can that be?"

"_Do you have the password_…," Dante scoffed effusively in a hushed manner, covering up the microphone with his large hand, mimicking the exact pitch of Lady's irritable voice while making an ugly face with his tongue stuck out.

His hand unclasped the microphone. "Was there…a problem?" he asked innocently, not getting what the hell her problem was. Wasn't one job just as good as the next? What bloody difference did it make anyway?

He nearly groaned in pain and dropped the receiver at the volley of words that undoubtedly could have been heard by any passersby on the street.

"A problem?!" Lady close to seethed. "Damn fucking right there was a problem! You made me drive across half the country to dispatch a load of lemons? Rotten lemons! I hate lemons!" she fumed on the other side, he could actually hear her teeth grinding and there was no doubt her cell phone was all wet from all the sputter. The thought of it made him shudder involuntarily.

_So what, it was a poor line and the old woman on the phone had a bad accent… _"Oh."

Demons, lemons, that woman was never happy with anything…

"Oh? Is that all you have to say? I swear Dante you send me on one more job without a password and I will pump the whole magazine into that empty brain of yours!" Lady kept her vocals in a very good shape by the sounds of it as Dante had to yet again position the receiver at a sufficient distance from his painfully throbbing ear drum.

Exasperated, Dante made a royal eye roll. _Bitch_. Like she didn't shoot him at every single opportunity anyway! The job was too far, it didn't pay enough, the demons were too sloppy or too slobbery, there were no demons or not enough of them, they were too loud – yeah, she should feel right at home, or too stupid – well duh!, her clothes got dirty, the cows went into a stampede, levelling her job before she got there, or the demons turned into lemonade…or what was it? Take a fucking pick!!

Seriously, that woman needed to get laid, by a demon, to help her offload all that excess energy and attitude. Scratch anything human, they wouldn't stand a frigging chance! Jesus, someone seriously needed to shut her gob up for a whole five minutes or he could turn deaf, permanently. Even his superior demon healing would give up trying to repair the constant damage she was subjecting him to. Or maybe he should just install a silencer on his receiver…

"Oh chill already! I won't forget to ask next time, ok?" Dante exhaled a defeated breath, wishing to kill this useless, illuminative – like shit - session, he really didn't have the energy left to argue with her especially at lunch time when his stomach was rumbling like crazy at the severe lack of pizza and he was on the brink of ringing the take away that was further away than his usual place when she so rudely interrupted him.

The blasted demons raided his regular, close by take away place, like the bastards could actually appreciate such fine tastes like pepperoni and cheese! What a total and utter waste! He nearly wept at the time…

"You better not! I still haven't tried the effect of Kalina-Ann on your bony head…I wonder if I could turn it into a nice meat feast pizza," she was all vixens' sweetness as the distinct din of her overlarge keepsake weapon being expertly reloaded flooded the line. Lady then hung up without saying goodbye.

That's right tease him with the food he _wasn't having right now_ because she couldn't just use her stupid launcher to blast out a bunch of lemons! He could almost, just almost, feel some sort of a sympathy and pity for all those hapless demons and miserable creatures that crossed her path, including that poor rotting citrus fruit…

Dante shook his head and was about to dial the number for the new pizza place, he was now ravenous and the mention of a meat feast made him hungry even more, and his taste buds were threatening to go on strike if he didn't supply the goods in the next ten minutes. Plus he needed something to cheer him up after that stressful howling; only the phone rang again.

Didn't she have enough already? How much more could she torture him – like by keeping him from ordering pizza by hogging the frigging line?

"Stop bugging me already! I said I would…"

"As I recall you are the one pestering me with endless attempts at useless chatter at every opportunity you imbecilic moron," a bored, deep and dull voice came from the receiver. "I can always hang up if you wish…" Dante could just picture the silver eyebrow shooting up nonchalantly on the other side of the wire.

"Vergil! No, no, stay!" Dante blurted out abruptly, gesturing with his hands wildly, hastily trying to flip his brain into Vergil mode. His words came out more like ordering a misbehaving dog. He instantly regretted it with an inward curse and a silent frown on his face, feeling Vergil tense on the other end.

After a prolonged pause an even more detached voice continued, grudgingly, and with that annoying hint of mystery Vergil always dragged behind him like an unwilling pet from hell. "I have some news on what you were looking for…"

Suddenly, Dante's eyes glistened avidly with interest. "You found it?" he asked breathlessly, almost disbelievingly. Then again it was Vergil he was talking to and his brother could find anything, even if it didn't exist, or was a top secret written in an unknown language from another planet, with a few black holes thrown in on the way. Ever so reliable yet ever so boring…

"Yes," Vergil pretty much yawned, a hint that Dante should speed it up or he would fall asleep. In these cases he tended to busy himself with flicking some dirt, which also didn't exist, off his already perfect nails. Dante couldn't see it but he sure could hear it as contrary to the stormy one-sided conversations with Lady, he had trouble getting anything from Vergil and in any communication with him there was always a lot of silence. Apart from the nail flicking and occasional bored growling…

"How much?" Dante asked quickly, holding his breath. He nearly fell off the chair when his brother told him the estimated price, or since it came from him, the exact price.

"May I enquire as to what you are planning to do with it?" Vergil drawled in a monotone, disinterested voice. He now moved onto flipping through some book instead of nails by the sound of it.

"Why are you asking? Is it dangerous?" a meagre, nervous grin flashed across Dante's lips. He feigned a serious tone. _It better be fucking harmless! Because that baby is on eBay right now and it's darn well staying there with that kind of a price tag! _

"Not exactly. It has…certain effects. Temporary with demons, more permanent when it comes to humans," Vergil informed him detachedly and paused, Dante was however convinced that there should have been more since this explained exactly nothing and so he anticipated an elaboration that wasn't coming.

"Effects?" the younger twin eagerly nudged for the pregnant pause to move along.

The clearing of a throat and some indescribable noises, like short sniffing were heard on the other side. "Let's just say you should keep the item well buried somewhere amongst all that junk of yours or simply destroy it. I am rather surprised that you have not noticed the prominent rush of blood flow in the region you prefer to use as your brain more than would be considered healthy; in fact, correction, I have come to a disturbing realisation as to why you haven't noticed the effects at all…"

"Awwww Verge! You flatter me! Holly fucking bejesus, are you saying I am the owner of an extremely effective demonic Viagra?? One that actually works???" Dante hollered into the phone absolutely thrilled, his grin widening into dangerous proportions. This was like second and third Christmas in a row, first the news of the amount of money he would get for it and now the feel of the awkwardness it brought to his prudish twin just having to talk about it.

"You could say that," came an unimpressed, short answer. An unappreciative growl followed.

"Dude, you want to borrow it before I…," _flog it on eBay, "…_dispose of it?" Dante offered jauntily, his white teeth shining brightly within the wideness of his enormous smirk, he knew Vergil could literally feel it.

"I am perfectly capable of…" he stopped himself just in time, Dante however nearly burst out laughing. "Next time, try to use your brain in a manner that it was intended for and find your own information," Vergil hissed irritated and hung up the phone.

Dante let out a very long, satisfied sigh to stop him hyperventilating, and still grinning like a mad donkey he briefly leaned back in his chair. His bro, really, seriously needed to get laid, badly, urgently. Perfectly capable of what, he wondered with a snigger, of never getting it up? _Maybe I should keep a little on the side just in case he needs some help… _

After shaking off the disturbing image of impotent Vergil from his head, which was detrimental to his appetite and it _was_ lunch time, he reached for the phone to finally dial the pizza place just as his belly let out a very loud protest. _Yeah I know, feeding time! Gimme a seco…_

The sharp ring of the phone resounded through the premises once again and all the remaining traces of Dante's smile vanished completely. "What does one have to fucking do to get some bloody food around here!" he shouted out loud into the empty room, looking up accusatively before yanking up the receiver angrily.

"What now!!" Dante spat out, squeezing the handle so hard the solid plastic nearly broke.

"Is this Ladiesman247?" came a smooth and educated voice, yet a little unnerved.

"Umm, you must have the wrong number, dude, there is no…"

"Is this Dante?" the mysterious voice continued, undeterred.

The frustrated pizza hunter instantly bolted upright in his chair. "How do you know my real name," he asked in an undertone, face darkening with a line of seriousness. No one knew his identity on eBay, dammit, that was the whole frigging point!

"Who is asking?" he avoided revealing himself just yet, his tone formally polite, cold, business like.

"I am Parris. Antiques dealer, entrepreneur. And I have a proposition for you. I have seen your…rather interesting item for sale and so I took the liberty to do some background checking. And I would like you to take care of…" the man began simply, as if not at all predisposed to being rejected.

"Wait a sec there, before you ask me to do anything there is something I need to know! You have the pizza? I mean…the password?" _Shit and damn my painfully squeezed, howling intestines…_

There was a startled, uneasy silence.

"No password?" Dante's lip curled upwards evilly. "Excellent! I am listening." _Well I did ask about the darn password, and Lady never mentioned that they had to actually come up with it, right? _She could go and kill off a few more mangoes for all he cared. Preferably somewhere in Burma…

The man seemed a little puzzled at first but then he continued. "I would like you to…

Dante yawned, drooling at the images of pepperoni in his head, elbow propped on the desk, his temple resting in the palm of his hand lazily as he listened to the dreary particulars of the job and some stupid, priceless artefact the guy wanted him to retrieve from his mansion that got invaded by demons. Yeah, yeah, bla, bla, get the thing to safety first, then kill the demons, yeah…

"…and I will buy your item on eBay for twice what it's worth," the guy finished, and Dante instantly bolted upright, knocking off his selection of porn and martial arts magazines to the floor.

"Did you say twice what it's worth?" he wheezed into the receiver, nearly choking on his drool.

"That is my offer," Parris assured him with a firm, even voice.

"Sold!" Dante wore bliss on his face. "Where do I go?" He enquired, pen ready to scribble the address on a small piece of dirty napkin that happened to lie conveniently on the desk.

When he finally put the phone down, he rubbed his hands together and sneezed so ferociously the napkin took off into the air and landed gracefully on the floor, or rather on one of the centrefolds. Dante bent down to scoop up the address and his scattered magazines when his eyes fell upon something terribly disturbing…

In the heap of the colourful mags there was a page, part folded, showing the bottom half of a man in all his glory, and what a glory it was, only his top half was covered up by a part of a page from another magazine; the top half of a man with a stern face and a very long katana in his hand, the napkin resting right on the tip of the magnificent steel. Dante blinked.

And then he blinked again when the brain cells clicked. A devious glitter sparkled in his eyes when he pulled himself up, holding the magazines and the napkin before his eyes with a startling realisation.

_Someone needs to get laid and someone needs to be slain... Darn it would have rhymed!_

Dante instantly picked up the phone, his lunch momentarily forgotten. This was perfect! He would send Lady in to redeem himself after the blunder with the sour fruit and he would ask Vergil to pick up the ancient artefact, which was a task even his terribly picky and nerdy twin was unlikely to resist. Vergil would never just go somewhere to kill a few boring, unworthy demons but Lady was too hung up on wiping out every single one of the lowly scum as she called them so politely, she wouldn't refuse any such opportunity.

And what Lady hated above all? To be patronized by one. That meant she would let all her pent up steam off on Vergil who could easily absorb it with his indestructible wall of detachment, and in turn, with some luck, some of that vibrancy and untamed passion of hers could actually rub off on him.

Either way as part of the deal he wouldn't of course forget to ask Parris for the security camera tapes, the guy no doubt had those things installed there if that's where he kept his so called priceless possessions. Dante sank into his thoughts with an expression of melted butter… O_h the wealth of blackmail material… _

_The range of possibilities… Send Lady to pick some fresh lemons for him, make her kiss a demon, make Vergil eat pizza in a filthy public place heaving with voluptuous waitresses with bouncy boobs and then make him down it with five lagers…_

Ok, so maybe they would kill him and make a Dante preserve out of him afterwards but it would be so worth it …

* * *

Cold blue eyes scoured the front porch of a large, imposing mansion nestled atop a small hill in the midst of a beautiful yet darkly looming deciduous forest. The sun, a mere blotch of haze barely visible amongst the slowly passing dark gray clouds, provided no light to the gloom of the place. The air was calm and chilly, filled with a strong scent of hell's lowest creations and what seemed like coconuts mixed with gun powder.

Vergil frowned and cocked his nose, unwilling to set a foot in a place that reeked so heavily of those dishonourable weapons and those kinds of nuts Dante so shamelessly used to refer to certain female body parts. Not to mention he hated coconuts with a passion and that prick of a brother never once mentioned the possible presence of lower ranking demons. Why soil his magnificent weapon with their stinking blood? They were not even worthy to die by his hand! Or rather by his sword since he wouldn't touch that scum with a bargepole!

He hissed inwardly, straightening the crease on his coat that was never there and with an annoyed grunt entered the front lobby. That artefact Dante mentioned stirred his curiosity and he wouldn't let it go so easily, and he could always just take it and simply leave. _Still, it better be worth this insufferable sacrifice!_

The prominent demon stench hanging so insolently in the opulent lobby area made him pause in his stride. Fingers curling instinctively around the white bound hilt of his katana, Vergil shot his gaze sharply to his left just as three hell prides horded in from what seemed to be the kitchen.

They raised their hellish scythes with bloodthirsty intent, nostrils half flaring at the smell of half human flesh, scarlet liquid slowly dripping from their savagely shimmering blades and misshapen mouths…

Vergil crumpled up his nose and drew in air, and smelled…ketchup!

He hated tomato sauce with a passion, yes he hated quite a few things and had a lot of undisclosed passion, it just reminded him way too much of that shabby nimwit of a brother and his obsession with that foul, greasy mess he had the nerve to call food! And even more nerve to actually eat it! In front of Vergil!

Vergil's pale moonstone eyes ignited with unfathomable rage and he projected a blaze of molten blue fire with all he had at the monstrosities that were about to sink their tomato flavoured scythes into his delicate, steel-hard and muscle-bound flesh covered in increasable silk.

Their squeals echoed against the stone walls under his burning glare, they froze in an instant, petrified to death, their hollow sockets widening in sheer horror, mouths twisting in agony at the pressure of his unyielding demonic stare. A few seconds later, only a pile of dust and a generous stain of homemade ketchup remained where they once stood.

"Hmpf," Vergil gave a derisive snort and shrugged, genteelly brushing a few demonic dust particles off his immaculate sapphire coat. He inhaled sharply through his nose and headed up the stairs, head high, content that he didn't need to even touch those filthy abominations with a single finger, or his precious sword.

Only a few more moments in this foul smelling, worthless place, he thought, eyeing the collection of guns displayed so disgracefully on the walls with cold contempt as he ascended to the first floor where his prize to have for the day was awaiting. In the study, the library, one more door to open and there it was, right in front of him, held by…the most perpetual and natural irritant god ever had the audacity to create! A human female!

An abhorrent, aggravating, all dirtied and dishevelled heap of a gun wielding female! All armed and dangerous including a heaving pair of coco… umm breasts. At least she didn't have that wretched cannon with her, quite likely wanting to avoid the expected accident of levelling the place to dust. She did like to blow quite a few things from what he heard…or was it blow up?

Lady just about finished blasting the brains out of a hapless pride, her trained reflex instantly directing her hand armed with an Uzi towards Vergil. Her eyes would have grown wide at what she saw standing before her but she just about suppressed it.

"What the hell are you doing here, filthy scum?" she hissed through gritted teeth, malevolence shining in her bright, mismatched eyes. _Just another demon to make scrambled eggs and bacon out of…_

Vergil turned to look behind him, hand instantly on Yamato, confused as to whom she was referring to. He shook his head inwardly. _Indisposed human, seeing things that aren't there!_ _Possibly a post traumatic stress…_ He whipped himself back to face her and narrowed his frosted gaze at her.

"That artefact belongs to me. Hand it over, puny human," his voice could freeze hell over as he pointed his hand clad in a light-brown leather glove at the intricately weaved metal ball held so carelessly in her gun free hand.

Lady's eyes dropped to the said object and a slow devious smile spread across her face.

"Come and get it, lowlife," she smirked daringly, tossing it into the air and catching it again haphazardly, enjoying the murderous look blooming on Vergil's face.

Without any hesitation, Vergil advanced closer despite having a full sight of the sinister muzzle of her deadly submachine gun pointing square in between his eyes. Lady's scowling face darkened; Vergil's blazing, unblinking eyes narrowed even more.

The smouldering tension building up between them could have been sliced up with a knife and picked up with a fork. The pack of hell prides that meantime entered the room took off screaming.

The half-devil leaned even closer, completely unfazed by the cold steel of her Uzi digging into his smooth, ashen forehead. He heard Lady gulp and that brought a twisted sense of satisfaction to his features, lips moulding into a semblance of a smile.

"Give it to me," Vergil said darkly, enjoying her mounting unease. _Humans are so easy…_

_Demons are so difficult…_ "And why would you want this…," Lady licked her lips slowly, untrusting glint flashing through her unusual eyes. "Odd how all those of your putrid kind seemed to have congregated here, and then you show up! Why would they come here, unless you called them here?" she speculated frostily, raging inside, agitated by the closeness of an arrogant asshole that considered himself superior in every possible way. It may have been true, sure, but it still didn't mean he had to promenade it all over her. And was that bastard eyeing the orb or her chest?

"Even if I knew why should I feel compelled to tell you, an insignificant human?! As far as I can tell they seem to enjoy the tomato sauce…" _Figures, since they fit within the same category as Dante…_

Vergil reached out for the artefact, she recoiled, her thick, sweat coated trusses of raven hair flouncing about.

The smell hit him then in full force! The gun powder and…the stupid coconuts! It was coming from her hair! He had to get that orb now before that heinous smell would make him feel sick. Why of all the hundreds of shampoos available to pick from she had to use coconuts!! He grabbed a hold of the artefact with his gloved hand and tugged sharply, trying not to break it at the same time, hell forbid.

Infuriated, Lady pulled the trigger in the heat of the moment, causing Vergil to throw his head to the side and momentarily lose his grip on the orb. The spray of bullets darted past him harmlessly, but the damage was done, they singed a few strands of his immaculately cut snow-white hair.

"Give it to me, demon hater!" he spat out, utterly not amused. Hair growth wasn't part of his demonic healing!

"Give it back, human hater!" she snapped back, unwilling to let go. She so found it first!

Their fingers touched as they scrambled for the ancient artefact, eyes locked in icy glares, both completely oblivious to the bright glow rising fast from the heated core of the metal orb.

Lady, feeling he wasn't really trying that hard, was nearly boiling with fury at his 'in her face' mockery of her human weakness and with an egoistic sneer shoved the submachine gun right in front of his crotch.

A second later an enormous stream of blinding coconut-white light erupted from the mysterious artefact, engulfing the entire room in its immense brightness. They both instantly let go of the burning, metal woven ball to shield their eyes just as the whole mansion shook, causing Lady's finger to squeeze the trigger and they were knocked to the ground, landing painfully on the hard floor, parts of their bodies entangled in something softer.

"FUUUUCK!!!" A forcibly muffled groan of excruciating pain echoed sharply though the dead stillness of the room.

Lady's eyes widened, this time for real…

…as she unclasped her hand, a hand drenched in blood, from Vergil's really wet groin…

* * *

_Yeah I know, that was so totally stupid! I think... But the second part will be even better! :-) Muhahahaaaa_

_R&R please?_

_Yours Truly_

_Tora._


	2. Part2

**PART2**

The sizzling hot artefact fell to the hardwood floor with a hollow thud, scorching the polished cherry as it rolled uncaringly over its fine surface, finally coming to a halt somewhere under the piles of antique furniture.

"You! Demon Filth!" Vergil fumed through gritted teeth, barely able to contain his swelling anger, to his great bewilderment, however his ability to ponder about such trivial things was severely inhibited by the nerve wrenching pain throbbing in between his thighs and the fact that the she-devil just pulled her hand from there so inconspicuously.

"And your impetuous insistence to steal the orb led me to soils my hand with your…," Lady sniffed her hand with a cocked up nose wondering what indeed it was that she groped, then eyeing his pockets as her face was still only a few inches from his lap, dipped her other hand in one of them and pulled out a spotlessly clean handkerchief.

While she was wiping her bloodied hand impassively with his silky napkin he tried his best to get up but failed miserably with a suppressed growl, pulling his own blood drenched hand away from his precious region, pupils briefly dilating as he struggled against the inferno of sheer agony.

"You bloody shot me in the balls, you sadistic bitch!" Vergil nearly screamed, regarding Lady with murderous intent while trying hard not to pass out in the meantime.

Ignoring his outburst pointedly, she kept her eyes on her hand as she slowly finished wiping it and then tucked the grossly soiled hanky back into his pocket. The raven haired huntress then pulled herself up elegantly, disentangling herself from Vergil and absentmindedly tugged down on her combat blouse to straighten it up, then brushed some imaginary dust off her shoulders.

With her head high, she looked down her nose at the heavily breathing heap huddled up on the floor and poised herself towering above him, expression rigid and dispassionate.

"Would you kindly refrain from using such crude means of expressing your opinion which, quite frankly I find rather amusing and ridiculous considering I would never resort to handling such demeaning weapons," Lady said dryly and folded her arms across her chest after waving her finger in the air in a condescending manner, standing above him imposingly.

Vergil blinked at her first, fathoming her imbecilic pompousness. Then he managed a wicked smirk through the blinding pain that was now ever so slowly subsiding, eyeing her in a very obvious manner, slowly, from head to toe, lingering forever on her thigh area, where his upper lip curled up even more.

Appalled, Lady raised a gracious raven eyebrow while managing to scowl at the same time and then directed her sight downwards nonchalantly.

Apart from the startled pause, where the 'startled' part was so expertly concealed, and the 'too late to stop' overly loud gulp, Lady remained completely unfazed and slowly began to offload the heavy artillery covering every single inch of her midsection and thighs, all the while maintaining a calm composure and speaking in a cold, unimpressed tone.

"I do not know how you managed to attach these…things…to me, but you would do well to remember that I am not very partial to nonsensical jokes," she dropped the last gun to the floor with disgust, scowling even more.

"Since when should I give a toss about what you, a demon, is partial to, and why the hell would I give such fine weapons to a scum like you," Vergil scoffed, wincing as he tried to move, uncomfortable being twisted on the floor with her standing there so patronizingly above him. So frustratingly demeaning…

"I grow tired of your groundless insults," she said sharply, trying to ground him with her bi-coloured glare. It wasn't working, to her great dismay, since he wasn't looking at her and he was grounded already.

"Then you shouldn't have fucking shot my privates!" he yelled at her, fuming, pointing at his bloodied trousers.

Lady glared at him some more with an unreadable, scrutinizing look and then reluctantly lowered her eyes to his crotch area. "If you were truly shot in your groin you would be now unconscious or writhing in sheer agony all over the floor and it does not look even that painful from where I am standing," she enunciated flatly.

Suddenly, without a warning Vergil scooped up the abandoned semi-automatic with a one swift, lightning fast movement and pointed it right between her legs. "Maybe I am just really pain tolerant. Care to demonstrate how I should behave?" he jibed sarcastically.

Lady's face drew into a mocking smirk. "Go ahead, make my day." She folded her arms casually on her chest, waiting. _Puny human, although admittedly a very fast puny human._

Vergil's jaw stiffened as he firmed up his grip on the firearm. The stuck up bitch deserved no less. His finger pressed the trigger but nothing was happening. He tried a few more times just to be sure, hissing in mounting fury and blossoming agitation.

"Perhaps I can help," Lady informed him calmly, unfolding one arm to point out where the safety was when he failed to find it. "It usually helps to switch the safety off first." A second later she scowled, wondering why she should possess such information since the only gun she ever allowed to touch her fingers was Dante's and that had no such thing as safety on.

"Thanks for the tip," he snapped back, feeling his temper rise dangerously and in the heat of the moment pulled the trigger. The mechanism clicked - empty. Vergil tried it a few more times just to be sure, again, then eyed the gun, shaking it curiously, finally deeming it malfunctioning.

His brief distraction gave Lady an advantage and she quickly scooped up the sword lying on the ground next to her leg and pointed the gleaming razor sharp tip at Vergil's throat.

"Oh you stupid woman, you are holding it all wrong," he rolled his eyes and reached out to make a gesture with his finger for her to turn the katana the right way up. "It usually helps if you slice with the sharp edge."

"I don't need an advice from a human and I most certainly think I would know how to handle a sword," Lady snapped back in a slightly irritated fashion, tilting her head a little, just enough to eye the slender long sword from the side as inconspicuously as possible. _Yes, why didn't she know that…_

Puzzled but encouraged by the lack of pain in his nether region Vergil ceased the moment of her preoccupation with blushing as she slowly turned the sword the right way up, and in a flash swiped his foot at her ankles, knocking her noble ass to the ground. He quickly grabbed her wrist and twisted her hand that was still holding the katana behind her back while pinning her down with his steel solid body and weight.

"Should have known that a lowly human such as you would resort to the most dishonourable methods of deception such as faking an injury," she said hoarsely, suppressing the urge to yelp at the pain shooting up her arm from his iron hold. It occurred to her how a mere human could have been that strong?

"I didn't fake anything," he growled dangerously near her face, not letting go of her.

"Then how do you explain your sudden ability to move so quickly and…," she paused, feeling something wet travel up from between her thighs. "Would you kindly refrain from soiling my shorts?"

He lifted his hips a little, puzzled by her statement, then looked down and a newly crafted smirk spread out on his lips when he saw her stripy white combat shorts reddened from his pants.

"Then apologise for making a sieve out of my balls," Vergil squeezed against her again to make the stain on her front even bigger. A strange feeling visited him in between his thighs at that moment and it wasn't pain.

"How do you know? From what I've seen they may be so small I missed them," she remarked impassively, only the small twitch of her lip spoke of her hidden enjoyment.

"So you admit to shooting me?" he asked triumphantly, ignoring her mockery with an inward eye roll and a mental note to shoot her later.

"No. Are you certain it is not just a tomato sauce? This whole place reeks of it…and coconuts," Lady arched her eyebrow at this new discovery, she wanted to pinch her nose but realised Vergil was holding both of her hands.

"It's blood!! My blood! Whole three pints of it you deranged demonoid!!!" his temper rose again, how could someone infuriate him even more than Dante?

"A pint of which you deposited on my _clean_ shorts, may I point out?" she raised her second brow haughtily.

"If your definition of clean is demon guts smeared all over, then really, my heart cries for your terrible loss. I might even go as far as shed a tear," Vergil grimaced with sarcasm.

"You truly are delusional. For your information I do not engage in any activity that involves spouting body fluids of any kind, unless so rarely and inexplicably immobilised and pressed to a creature sporting a filthy stain like yours."

"One that _you_ put in there!!" Vergil yelled hysterically, spattering her face. Her tenacious indifference infuriated him even more than her illusion of superiority. Let's see, who was pinning down whom again?

"Then prove it. Let me see," Lady turned her head to him in challenge after avoiding his literal spray of words.

He blinked at her blankly. If it wasn't for the fact that he was hardening at an alarming rate he would have just bloody shown her but there was no way he would give that demonic bitch the satisfaction of knowing that he was in fact…aroused?

Instead, Vergil let go of her grudgingly and turning around still on his knees, peaked into his pants.

Lady flexed her painful arm, and seeing his hesitation expressed her educated opinion while propped up on her elbows. "Why am I not surprised. You humans squeal at the smallest of scratches," she said disdainfully.

Vergil stared befuddled at his crotch, not understanding how it was even possible that there wasn't even a sign of a single wound. The pain had been diabolical so what the fuck?

"Perhaps you have some diseases you don't know about? Humans are full of them. They can make you bleed too much," she continued in a slightly bored and patronizing tone.

"I do not have any frigging diseases!! I don't know what you've done to me but I assure only a minute ago it felt in there like a gender change operation and no one was stitching it back up again!"

Suddenly heedful to his words, Lady narrowed her bi-coloured eyes at his back. Could the pathetic human been hiding something from her, like not being human at all? Surely her superior senses would pick up on it? Better be sure…

She lifted the sword that was still in her hand and pressed it firmly into the back of his exposed neck. He shot his head back to her just as a trickle of blood rolled down and disappeared under the collar of his trench coat. Tilting her head curiously, Lady watched with fascination as the wound sealed almost instantly.

"What the hell are you playing at!" Vergil yelled at her, quickly zipping himself up and lifting up his hand to touch the back of his neck. And was she staring at his ass?

"So, you are a demon too," Lady drawled out darkly, partially impressed at how well he had hidden it and partially relieved that she just wasn't completely immobilised by a mere human.

"And what disease do you suffer from? Acute insanity?" he spat out, utterly not amused. Now she was really overstepping the line! Him a demon! Maybe after the hell froze over and then turned into a Teletubbyland!

"Oh believe me that doesn't make me suffer at all, in fact it makes me quite comfortable. And I can prove to you that you are a demon," she outstretched her sword free hand and beckoned him closer.

Breathing heavily, his chest heaving from the waves of rage burning through his insides, Vergil shook his head disbelievingly and pointed his finger at her. "You are lying," he said in a low, slightly wavering voice.

"Then prove me wrong," she sighed impatiently and grabbed his hand. He let her take it and carve a long gaping crevice the size of the Grand Canyon in the palm of his hand.

Lady looked up at his face, surprised he made no sound or didn't even flinch, his face busy being mortified as he watched the massive wound seal right in front of his widening eyes.

"You should be pleased, if it wasn't for your supernatural healing you would be well on your way to becoming a woman," her lips twitched with amusement and cruel satisfaction.

Vergil quickly pulled his healed hand from her and got to his feet, backing away from her slowly.

"You did this to me you demon filth. You are contagious…," his voice was trembling dangerously like a ticking bomb ready to explode at any moment.

Meanwhile Lady got to her feet as well and completely ignoring him, casually raked her hand through her short raven hair to sleek them back as they were so impudently hanging in her face, obscuring her vision. After about the fourth attempt she gave up, mumbling to herself in displeasure. Suddenly she stilled, sniffing her hand in disgust. _Coconuts!_

"Why would I subject my hair to that heinous smell I could never fathom," she kept on mumbling, making a mental note to throw away that shampoo immediately as it was obviously defective or labelled incorrectly since she couldn't even sleek her hair back. Maybe she could sue, she pondered.

Vergil was still going backwards, mulling it all over in his head, disgust growing inside him as he looked at her, standing there so impassively with that pompous look on her face, obviously hating something else now. How could she remain so detached when he just found out that he became what he loathed his whole life? Perhaps she needed a reminder that he wasn't going to let a stupid demon humiliate him…

Plunging to the side without a single warning he landed on his shoulder, instantly grabbing a hold of the Uzi that was lying discarded on the floor. Taking a few seconds to find the trigger, he finally pressed down on it while aiming haphazardly at Lady.

The sound of shots instantly woke Lady up from the world of shampoos and she instinctively tried to whirl the katana in front of her instead of diving for cover, only it didn't quite work as it proved to be extremely tricky and the sword found itself impaled in the wood panelled ceiling.

Fortunately for her Vergil's aim was even less effective and all the bullets ricocheted off various surfaces apart from Lady, whizzing aimlessly through the air until they became embedded in various assorted furniture, breaking several expensive vases and blasting a tunnel through the head of a demon that just happened to take a peek inside the library.

As it all quietened down Lady took her chance and jumped up onto the desk to pull the katana out, unknowingly giving Vergil even bigger motivation to shoot her as her shorts bloodied with his blood came into his line of vision.

He took his time this time around, sticking his tongue out in concentration as he aimed at her crotch. Payback was a bitch…

A spray of bullets gushed out from the short barrel and headed straight for the fine space in between Lady's thighs. But recoil was a bastard and it made Vergil tip the gun upwards and almost bite his tongue in half as the stock rammed into his shoulder and instead of one neat clutch the bullets flew at her in a fine vertical alignment like a perfect flight of geese.

Seeing the impending doom or more the fact that she would never get all that blood from her favourite white blouse Lady ducked down matrix style while still having a full grip on the hilt of the katana, which caused the sword to be pulled out from the ceiling and flung straight into the mouth of a stuffed bear hanging on the wall behind her.

Lady back flipped and hid behind the antique desk that provided a solid wood cover, or so she thought.

"A word of advice? Try to actually pump the lead into something that bleeds!" Lady called out from behind the solid piece of furniture, eyeing the katana that wobbled dangerously in the bear's open mouth above her. If she could just reach it and then show him who the boss is! Only so far wielding it proved a bit hazardous to her own health which she was finding really hard to admit and reconcile with…

The onslaught briefly stopped as Vergil was preoccupied by sucking all the blood out of his mouth while his bitten tongue healed, unable to respond to her taunt other than by: "Pfuckin' gillariouf."

If there was an opportunity it was now and Lady seized it, stretching her hand up to reach the white hilt but each time she almost got it the silk slipped from her grasp and the sword began to oscillate even more. This would actually help her reach it as the hilt kept coming lower and lower toward her but Vergil's superhuman healing worked against her as he was back in business sooner than she anticipated.

The new spray of bullets was much more rounded as Vergil managed to keep the submachine gun steady enough, seemingly getting the hang of it. The shots whizzed past and two of them grazed Lady's forearm just as she managed to take hold of the bent sword and hissing in pain she let go, causing the blade to fly up so violently its tip broke out of the bear's mouth, catapulting the fluffy head high into the air.

"Cease fire!" a horrified yell shot through the barrage of bullets ripping through everything that didn't move.

Her demand was answered but in quite the opposite way. The fire was almost continuous, bullets blazing in all directions, the desk she was hiding behind becoming as holy as emental cheese. Clutching her bleeding arm that wasn't healing at all Lady's eyes went incredibly wide as she braved a peek over the disintegrating piece of not so sturdy furniture and the most incredible scene was enfolded before her.

There was Vergil wearing the bear on his head, madly staggering about, tripping over the furniture and knocking everything over in a violent rampage, muffled growling coming out of the bears maw. He was holding the Uzi in both hands shooting at everything he didn't see.

Lady gaped at him open mouthed, almost forgetting the bullets whizzing too close to her ears for comfort, her lips started to twitch and curl, and suddenly the library was filled with noise she didn't recognise.

Lady was laughing her guts out. And it felt great.

And it made Vergil stop firing, leaving him turning about wearily which was even better because honestly did those ridiculous weapons have to make so much bloody noise?

"What's so funny," Vergil grumbled through the impressive set of yellow canines.

Lady stepped out from her cover, deeming it relatively safe, and approaching Vergil, tapped him on his shoulder. "You have a bear on your head."

"Oh." He reached up and pulled the grizzly head from himself by the snout, his hair messed up and falling into his face. "I thought you used your demon trickery to pull wool over my eyes so that you could stick…," he paused when he saw her standing in front of him after pulling the stuffed head off and looked behind warily.

It was even less comforting to find out that it wasn't her sticking Yamato up his ass but in fact it was a rubbish bin that the sword had landed into hilt first and he managed to reverse his firm halves right into its sharp tip.

"Not one of mine I'm afraid," she smirked but then her face turned serious. "Something's wrong. I appear to have lost my healing abilities," Lady shoved her bleeding arm under his nose. "And I want it back!"

Just as Vergil was about to reply that he had the same feeling, they heard a distinct shuffling of clawed feet on the cherry floor and rustling of garbs made of old potato bags accompanied by some excited gibberish in the language of hell. Three hell prides looked back at them sheepishly and took off with the artefact through a door on the opposite side of the library.

"The orb!" the two shouted in unison and took after the thieves, Vergil still holding the Uzi and Lady grabbing the katana from the bin on the way to the closed door, quickly giving the tip a sniff, just to be sure.

They stopped, their weapons raised but neither of them was willing to go in first. Lady wasn't very inclined to fighting all the lowlife, it was simply beneath her to soil her hands with unworthy opponents not to mention that it was rather unnerving as she couldn't feel them at all, and Vergil was still mad at her for turning him into a demon which brought out the best of his stubbornness, forgetting to use his newly found demon senses.

"Well what are you waiting for! Go and see what it looks like," she demanded, nudging him with the katana, the sharp end of it. The sadist.

Scowling, he slowly eased the door open and peeked inside, then retreated back. "It looks clear," he said.

Lady nodded and was about to move in, opening the door fully when a dirtied, shimmering scythe tore through the gap and grazed her shoulder. Vergil sprung into action and in a split second the fiend's head sported a neatly drilled hole the size of the channel tunnel. The thing fell back like a sack of potatoes.

Lady cut him a bi-coloured death glare. "What does it look like now?" her voice held a note of sarcasm.

Vergil took another, slightly longer peek and pulled his head back again. "Looks clear," he shrugged, voice insisting.

"May I remind you that sadly you are the one with all that splendid demonic blood at your disposal so do us both a favour and use it?" she said deadpan yet the twitch in her red eye showed that it was really bugging the crap out of her.

Not really knowing or wanting to know what on earth she was referring to he simply stepped into the next room instead of an answer. The room seemed to be designed as some sort of an open plan lounge with open views through an impressive glass wall dominating one side of it.

The three demons were busy scrambling for the orb in the middle of the enormous space, two more joining in from another door leading quite likely back to the central corridor. The ancient artefact soon disappeared from view completely as more and more of the demonic grotesqueries swarmed around it, oddly enough no light came out of it as if was broken or for some reason unresponsive.

Vergil reacted first, lifting the submachine gun slightly more convincingly, ready to sweep their ugly mugs into oblivion. He kept firing two seconds later wondering how quiet it suddenly was, only then realising the magazine was empty. Annoyed he hurled the Uzi across the room in a perfect arch at one Pride, completely knocking its head clean off its shoulders. It exploded to dust a split second later.

"What did you do that for!? That was a perfectly good weapon!" Lady hissed sharply, narrowing her eyes at him.

"It was useless," he snapped back, temper slipping again.

"It is useless now, you could have just used the spare mag strapped to the side," she rolled her eyes, voice kept to a customary arrogance.

"Well since you own all the stock in knowledge and greatness, by all means proceed," he taunted, sweeping his hands at the pack of hellish monstrosities that didn't pay any attention to their presence.

Despite remaining stone like, Lady's hand tightened around the hilt of the deadly katana yet she didn't draw and instead her eyes hardened, narrowing at the croaking demons akin to a lion sizing up a pack of hyenas that had the audacity to steal its fresh meal.

"What are you doing? Are you ill?" Vergil mused, tilting his head to observe her curious behaviour.

"In case your puny brain has a difficulty to tell, I am channelling my energy to send the unworthy back to hell…"

"Looks more like you are constipating to me," Vergil remarked, smirking evilly.

"It appears that all my superior qualities have been transferred to you, perhaps as a result of the effects of the orb. I suggest you transform now and finish it quickly so that we can return back to more desirable circumstances," Lady said crisply with an impatient undertone, ignoring his unseemly comment.

The smirk magically vanished. "Have you lost your mind woman? I would rather die than disgrace myself by transforming into that filthy, disgusting abomination!" Vergil yelled at her in sheer repulsion, looking around for anything he could use to shove into her arrogant ass and show her once and for all how he felt about demons. His blazing blue eyes fell upon the beautiful sheathed katana she held so recklessly in her right hand, the wrong fucking hand, how the hell did she propose to draw a sword she was carrying in her right hand!

Fuming, he swiftly snatched the blade from her and with rapid series of blindingly fast strokes spun it elegantly in front of her. Lady felt a very light stinging on her forehead.

"What did you just do?" she asked suspiciously but calmly.

"Let's just say if you ever have the need to lecture me again look into a mirror first," he grimaced with satiated satisfaction. With that he took off, the magnificent katana decimating the entire horde of lesser demons in less than five seconds, giving Lady just about enough time to turn around and step closer to the massive, shiny glass wall.

In her forehead, in neat, red letters it read the correct way around when looking into a mirror: 'Fuck you'.

* * *

The orb merely flashed as they touched it, they felt almost disappointed at the lack of theatrics that it gave off the first time. Nonetheless the change was instant and they both looked at each other in relief, and in a brand new light…

Instinctively, Vergil slicked his hair back, pushing all the stray strands of silver away from his face. He was looking at the woman before him with probing, ice laced eyes that suddenly melted to a more pleasing temperature. He shook his head as a small smile blossomed on his usually rigid face.

"I never thought I'd say this but…do I really talk like that? I guess that should have been on my forehead," Vergil made a gesture with his finger, curving his lips into a shrewd sneer. "My sincere apologies," he added with a small bow of his head.

"Well I guess we can call it quits since I am really sorry I shot your…well…it would have been a real shame to…I mean…I would really hate it if you…,"

Vergil changed the weight from one hip to the other and folded his arms, his pale moonstone eyes soaking up the unexpectedly pleasant feeling of her embarrassment as it reddened her face and warmed up his stomach.

"…turned into a woman." Lady finally finished, quickly changing the subject. "Was I really that rude all the time?" she tucked away some of her hair shyly, looking away.

"Perhaps we could discuss this over a dinner? But meantime it appears we have one more visit to do…," he said darkly, his lip curling up mischievously. Lady nodded as a brief shadow of understanding flashed across her bright, mismatched eyes…

* * *

Dante finally got his pizza, nearly a bloody hour after calling that takeaway that wasn't near his office anymore thanks to the fucked up demons that developed a taste for tomato sauce instead of human blood.

The square cardboard box was sitting on his desk so invitingly, the smell was just divine, hitting his senses so provocatively, Dante thought he was going to pass out if he didn't sink his teeth right then into that doughy goodness topped with all those yummy toppings drowning so exclusively in the river of melted heavenly cheese.

Then he would watch a top notch show, no doubt a very entertaining one, once the tapes from the mansion of his client were delivered.

Rubbing his hands together, he opened the lid eagerly and leaned in, letting the coil of steam ease up his nose as he inhaled deeply. He would eat it slowly, savour every little crumb while it was so sublimely peaceful, no interruptions, no phone calls, no ear popping yells from Lady or mind numbing silence from Vergil…

Dante lifted the first slice, the melted cheese just about to drip down onto his waiting tongue…

The front door swung open sharply and a rather pale looking Trish rushed inside, breathing heavily as if she was going to pass out at any moment. Her eyes widened instantly as they fell upon Dante.

She staggered to him like a walking zombie and in one large swing of her hand swiped the pizza slice from under his gaping mouth, devouring it in three rapid bites.

"Oh thas' goo!" Trish sighed blissfully with her mouth full, wiping the grease with the back of her hand and then proceeded to grab the whole box, taking it back to the door in a much more lady like stride. Just before she slipped out, she turned her head back. "Oh, would you believe that the demons raided the local pizza place?" she shook her head in disbelief and was gone.

Dante's hand was still holding the missing pizza slice like a missing limb that was just amputated, as he was gazing open mouthed at the closed door. _What did just happen?_

Before he had the chance to recover, the phone rang, very loudly.

"What?" Dante answered distractedly.

It was a call from Parris informing him in a very uncompromising and business like tone that his mansion was completely destroyed together with everything in it, that included all the security camera tapes, and that he demanded the demonic Viagra in compensation.

Dante put the phone down in shock.

_What did just happen again?_

* * *

Parris put the phone down calmly and turned to his guests.

"The tapes will be destroyed, you have my word."

Vergil peered at him deeply, satisfied that the antiques dealer didn't waver. A man of honour. He liked that.

"You can keep my brother's artefact as a compensation for any damages. It will teach him not to be so reckless with the lives of others. One would hope," Vergil said with a hint of a doubt. Then he turned to leave, placing his hand lightly on the small of Lady's back. "Shall we?" He opened the door and gestured for her to go through first. She didn't protest.

Parris called after them. "Actually there is no need. The damage was minimal and you did recover the orb. Perhaps you might want to keep your brother's artefact for yourself?" he sent them a knowing smile.

Vergil turned back, face deadpanned.

"A-aas a thank you," Parris added after clearing his throat, avoiding Vergil's intense stare.

Vergil's face softened suddenly, one side of his lips shooting up as he answered.

"Trust me, its power would be completely wasted on me. You on the other hand…"

With that he turned and disappeared. He might have even thanked Dante, but that could wait till later.

Now he had a beautiful Lady to take to dinner…

* * *

**Important notes: **

No bears were harmed in any way during the making of this episode, only demons

Vergil's important anatomy has fully healed so all the fangirls and fanboys out there can keep dreaming ;-)

If you liked it or if you didn't, would you mind leaving a review? I would soooo love to hear what you thought or what I could have improved… :D

If you are confused about what the hell had happened or have any questions then leave a note or PM me, k? :-)

Was it at least a little bit funny?


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